::_memories unforgottened_::
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
November 2004
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
October 2005
February 2006
March 2006
November 2006
December 2006
December 2007
May 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
I hate the night as much as i hate the day.
This is so random. I don't know how long I can hold, but im just so tired physically and mentally. I feel totaly devastated and exhausted. I dont like the feeling of tearing now and then out of now where and when even I myself dont even know why.
I tried to keep myself so busy, do housework, go tuition. Today I tried to go and change my laptop LCD myself. Took a cab there as I totally had no idea where the place was. Reached the building, I didnt knwo which level. In the end, I ended up randomly trying every level, and while in the lift I out of nowhere started tearing again, thinking about the last time I came I was still with you. But now, I am like an idiot playing with the lift. An uncle saw me crying and offered me a cig. Weird. For once, I was so tempted to take it, if not because it was from a stranger. By the time i end there, the person said it was too late to change that day as they needed an hour, so I emptily left the place again. I walked and walked and randomly took a bus to any mrt station. Took the train home but dont know why I cant control my tears even on the train. I feel like a total idiot. Walk out of the mrt, met a friend who asked why i didnt wait since you end work early, i didnt know how to answer. Had to hide my tears behind my smile and said i didnt know.
How long more can hide hide my tears with smile? Im tired. very tired.
I believed this is the fifth consecutive day I've been boozing. I just like the numbness after that. At least it stops my tears and my thoughts. Had a bad zouk that day. Sorry guys, I spoilt all your night, I haven even been to the dancefloor and im so drank. It is the first time in my life I drank until i puked. It feels bad. Mayb cos I have always had weak stomach to support such tedious action. Its so chou to break down at zouk. Thanks guys and shyuan for so being there for me. Thanks shyuan for always so being there for me no matter what happens. Thansk vince for the drinks and for lending me a shoulder to cry on. Thanks yew hong the encouragement and being there for me and sending me home. U r right. May be time will heal, I just dont know long or whether I can hold that long. Thanks to the many concerns from everybody else. Thanks but sorry I might disappoint you guys for not being the Christine in the past and not being able to pick myself up so quickly.
Have been waking up with gastric pain every morning. I know its bad and its probaly due to my excessive drinking. But I cant help it. I cant think of other ways to make me feel better. Maybe by making myself feel unwell, then I can find a reason to stay longer in bed to cry before I wake up. Not much place to cry at home cos I dont have much of a personal space or time,I can only pretend to sleep while let the tears roll down quietly. Last night, I had a weird dream. I dreamt that somebody gave me pink pill. He/She tell me its 'painkiller' for the heart. he/she syas its addictive and ask me to take only half a tablet. I took, and it really made me felt great. It made me felt as if im was floating and worry-free nad pain-free. Come to think of it, I think its some kind of drug. Is there really such thing for me?
I dont know what I want now. Read your email wanted to reply but I guess its just goint to end up more conflicts. I dont knwo if you think what you have done is enough for loving me or am I just too demanding and expecting too much. I dont knwo what to expect or what I actualyl want.
I want to break up reason being I seriously dont know If im just one of your favourite toy on the shelf, you love me but when you feel like it. I dont want to add to your burden. Just take it that im too demanding for you. I rather blame myself for all the fault. I dont know if this relationship were to continue, will you treat me like you had and hurt me again next time.
I dont want to break up because I want to believe that you didnt intend to and just dont konw how to be a bf. I dont want to because I cant bear to and its hurting me so badly. I dont want to because I still love you too.
Well, I guess you are already tired of being with me tired of all my demands and all my nonsense, mayb you will never understand me. Maybe you will never let me understand you. Maybe you will never understand my feelings now. Maybe its just so difficult. Mayb there's no mroe future. Mayb I wont even be around anymore tomorrow.Mayb i just dont know, shall let you decide what the fate shall be. Mayb I will never hear from you again. Mayb there will never be any answers to it all.
I happened to found your blog and linked to your friends. Seemd like one of your best friends is facing relationship problems too? Maybe you are more busy with comforting your friend, mayb you had better alternatives after all then to bother with me.
Mayb i really need time to settle all this. My life is too messed up now. Im tired too tired. I cant even settle my SIM acceptance. I feel like droping it and leave this place instead, to some far away land that nobody can ever find me.
People tell me to stand up again when I fall. But I think I had fallen from such great heights I had hurt my nerves, I cant feel anymore. Maybe I can never stand up anymore.
::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I hate this world!
My life now sux. Everything sux. Im so tired from crying and i feel totally strengthless.
I finally got accepted into SIM. But right now I dont know why I dont dare to accept. I dont have confidence in my ability anymore. I dont have confidence in anything abot myself anymore.
I have a broken family.
I have a broken relationship.
Im broken.
He's still trying to talk to him. But I dont quite want to talk. because each time it just brings me to tears. I dont know why is it hurting me and affecting me so much. Im quite sure it is nothing to him. His life still goes on while leaving me shattered. Trust me. Any of his friends call him for an outing or a mahjong game now and he will still proceed happily. I dont know why sometimes im still waiting, I dont know for what, neither do I know what I am expecting. Perphaps I should not expect because Im used to getting too sad over disaapointments due to expectations.
He keeps asking whether there's turning back. But trust me, it doesnt matter to him. He only says and never meant it. Thats the only thing he is good at.
Give up.
Kill me. Before I kill myself.
::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
werid phenomenums.
its really werid. somehow I had managed to cry myself to sleep for a while last night and in the morning while going to the hospital, I realised that it had rained. The long wanted rain in the hot season. Mayb God did hear my pray and cried with me.
Mum cant get discharge today. She's still quite weak and not recovered enough to go home, and her ECG(sugar level) is quite high today, saw the nurse gave her quite a few injections. Pain.
Mum ask me why my eyes were puffy. I didn't know what to say, or how I should put it across, so I said I was allergic to the eye cream or some had went into my eye when I slept. Sat at hospital the whole day most of the time dozing off. Very tired and I dont seem to sleep well either, one small movement from my mum and I will wake up even though I know she's fine. Weird, even when im dozing off in the chair, tears were forming.weird.
Couldn't take it in the afternoon, ask my dad to send me home then i go back in the evening again. Back home, really tried to take a nap, but somehow after i lied down, i end up crying again. Weird, I dunno y. And strangely in the afternoon after I cried myself to sleep again, it started raining again. Guess next time when its very hot weather I should just try to cry myself to sleep so that will rain and people who are so scared of hot will not feel so horrible.
Cant concentrate to do anything. and now somehow Im crying again. Tears seemed to drip down so uncontrollably im wondering whether im really crying or something wrong with my eyes., cause I dont feel like im crying but some how i am tearing.
weird. I think im the weird one after all, I shoule be taken away from this earth.
::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Monday, May 26, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
-crumbled world-
doesn't seemed like a good thing that im back blogging. Seems like blogging always comes to the last resort when i have so much to say yet difficult to express out verbally or nobody I could talk to.
bad days. mum's in hospital and im so tired handling thigns at home with all my personal stuff. Im freaking worried and sad to see her in pain, but im glad she can discharge tomorrow. Praying was never a habit but somehow i realised I had just prayed to God.
my relationship has been going really wrong, or should I say, I believe it has ended. Was looking forward to having a 1 year anniversary, had made some small thought plans to it but i think i wont need to use it anymore. Not like he will have any plans for me, its a sunday and he most probably gonna have so many things he need to do at home or he has got some plans with his friends or he's just too tired to do anything. Wont be expecting anything from him either, because at least for the past one year, he has not exactly got me a present or what other then my birthday or when he made me angry at genting. Mayb thats why I still kept the roses he gave me for the first month's anniversary even though some only had its dried stalk left, be cause its just one of the very few things he had surprise me and geniuniely gave me as present( not something he will ask ' I buy for you?') Even though when he say one to buy things for me, I have learnt to choose to just listen to it and keep it as a wish because most in fact none of them has even come true. Mayb thats y some of my girls tell me it is not wrong to be.
I guess I have not been asking for anything. In fact it does not matter to me whether he gives me anything or not. Sometimes Im just so so easily satisfied. Some sweets or ice-cream or even just a packet of yu yuan tan, or in fact, just being with him for the shortest moment, or just a hug or a kiss (which for very long I have never felt one that he had given me willingly) and im all not angry again and all satisfied. Even some guys say im too easily satisfied.
I cant remember when's the last time he tell me 'hey, im free on what day, lets do something together.' It really does occur to me that he doesnt exactly likes to be with me at all. Its always 'I have to do this I have to do that. ..Im meeting who and who... Im very tired....Its hot...its too crowded...Its too far' Yes all these applies for him to me. But when his friends jio him go east coast cycling or even to do anything... He will always consider.....in fact most of the time be there, as if the sun has never existed and will not be hot. I want to eat buffet....I waited for months. His friends jio him for buffet? no problem. Even though he dont really feel like eating buffet.
Sorry I should apologise for saying that. Afterall, you guys know each other for 6 years, I am barely with you for less than 1 year, what rights do I have? I should slap myself for that! I did not dislike your friends, but you had made me felt so. I seriously feel, if there's someone that fits his criteria in that click, he will jolly well choose her over me. What he needs are his friends, not his girlfriend. Maybe it IS really better off to be his friend than his girlfriend. Mayb he would then treat me better.
Maybe we just really belong to different world. Gambling has been a serious issue between both of us. I cant remember how many times we have quarreled because of that. How many times he had made be disappointed and neglected me because of gambling. Well I guess its just in him. I should never believe him once and again when he say he know he's wrong and ask for one more chance. If our relationship is a gambling game, I think it has become a lost game.
Just, I twisted my same ankle again. It was in such pain it brought me to tears. I guess I hurt the same ligerment again. I could hardly stand. Grandma called and I tried to control my voice to tell her im fine. Dont dare to call dad cos i dont want my mum to worry. Msged him. He called. But all he said was ' Are you ok? I just reached. Going to start my mahjong game liaoz. Find you later?' Sounds fine? I waited. hour after hour after hour even though im freaking damm sleepy because I barely slept much recently and had a long day. Waited until my dad is back, saw my swollen ankle and rubbed some ointment for me. After i belive should have finish the first round, no news, after finish 2nd round then drop me the msg to take care and happily went back to play another round I believe for the amount of time? Well what has happened to find you later? Bullshit! Its just another time of his say but dont mean it. Its always like that.
He feels that I always gets angry, but I get angry to get my point across, hoping that things will change for the better in the future. But it never does, and i believe it has always caused me to be angry over the same reasons. I have already felt that he was unhappy with me long ago, but he does not want to tell it? So? i tried to communicate but you didnt. You implied that I should give in. Haven I give in enough and give you many chances? You said i accuse you of not being good enough for me. I never expected much, its just that you are taking things more and more downslope. Its just so different in the past and now. Now, it just seems like time has passed and now you feel more that I will not leave you and thus i feel that you are taking me for granted. I did not restrict him for anything but i just did not want to be neglected. Like a toy, take to play and when not interested, just put at the side.
I feel stupid about myself and I cant stop crying. I dont like this. It seems like the number of times I had cried in the last 1 year is mre than what I had cried for the rest of my wholelife. I feel that I had changed. I should have stayed by my stand that I should not get into a realtionship cos it makes me weaken myself. I dont like the sour feeling that cant stop in my heart and tears cant stop flowing. Its another sleepless night. I dont know whats next. I prayed to god to show me a way.
Yew hong once asked me, why do girls always appear stronger after a break-up? I think now i have the answer. Girls are not strong, they are just better at hiding and pretending. Since he's happier to be his friends. I shall choose to go, to end him from being unhappy with me and in all the tortures I had caused him. Just let me be the unreasonable and demanding one. Im sorry for all the miseries caused.
I cant stop my tears from rolling. I better stop crying if not tomorrow dunno how to fetch my mother with super puffy eyes. But i cant help to feel my heart hurt. Kill me.
::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
woahz! im so surprise im back.
Its 1:45am. I has been lying in bed for the past one hour. Trying to sleep early but doesnt seemed to be able to. I dunno why tears seemed to be more and more uncontrollable nowadays.
Is it the down period again or what? I juz seemed so totally back in my bubbles. I think its time i accept my mother's perception on me that im introvert. I might seemed so always outspoken and bubbly and wadever but in me i always have difficulty expressing myself. Think mayb thats y im back here again baz......i tink im really Kaixin just in name.
Everything sux. Wonder if anywan gone through what im going through, to a point that you feel so rejected from the world emotionally that you just want to hide away, in some nobody can find you place. To feel that everyone around you are actually just a gust of passing smoke, and even the very person you truely put your heart in to love is just a illusion for emotional belonging. No, everybody is not treating me coldly or badly or neglecting me, everybody still smile and showed concern for me, but its just that how mat are genuine? Must it always be that somebody is down then you come forward and ask about it and show concern and remember to ask about the person? or how many actually do care even when its justa normal everyday.
ok maybe im expecting too much, or mayb im attention seeking. Its just a sad realisation about 越飞越高越寂寞。So old liaoz then i come to realise if I were to ask myself whether I have any very close friends, I not sure what to answer. Everybody moves on with their own lifes, most only look back occassionally to look at you. how many actually will hold your hand as a friend and walk the journey with you?
i suddenly feel so empty. Used to have like so many seemingly friends. I remember last time when i walk down orchard road, every few hundred meters will see some friends or have someone to say hi too~ i remember I used to have schedules of people asking mi out and I will always try to slot in enough time to meet up with everyone even to the extend or irrational travelling and wearieness. Now? i hardly can find a person who will put down what they have on hand to pay a little attention to me. Im sick of asking people out anymore partially due to scared of rejection and partially im not sure how much I am worth to them. Its just the same feeling like when you were in pre-school and when you were asked to partner up, you so hope that you will have a partner that without any doubts of hestation will be your partner always and you are so scared that you are the odd one out.
To dear, I've never doubt your love for me, but please forgive me if my expectations is not what you can give me. Im not sure whether im being unreasonable or over-expecting. But you just made me felt second-class citizen. So many things that i expect yet get disappointed. So many things that I remember you promising me but it doesnt seemed to exist in you anymore. I dont like to feel disappointed and hurt. Dont always tell me how much you love me, all I need is to feel it and not hear or read it. Dont tell me you want to be with me in my bubble or in our bubble, bcos I opened up my bubble for you before but you never came in. Dont always ask me what's wrong cos when it happened, i usually do not know how to express it up or im almost to theverge of giving up and does not want to speak about it anymore, afraid that im vulnerable to my own emotions.
I've always respect you to have your own life, to spend time for yourself and what you want to do. But when is it my turn to be in your piority list? not just by saying it but at least try to tell what I have been looking forward to with u. i waited one season after another, after you being busy with one thing and another, when you said you busy with your commitee, i waited, when u start sch and is stress with projects, I waited. when you are having exams, I waited. When you went overseas, I waited. how long more do I have to wait? Im also not very sure whether what i saying is making any sense anymore. Im just feeling so sad, it feels just like when you'r a kid, mummy or daddy or anibody mention somethign to you that makes you so look forward to it, but will end up realising they said it without meaning it, and what you have expecting all along was just ome words that escaped from the mouth of others.
Guess I have to go do my Christmas shopping along, go watch Swan Lake alone, go eat whatever I want to eat alone, go wherever I want to go alone, go overseas alone, go for all my gatherings alone and when people ask , I just smile and say he's busy, or tell some white lies to pave my way down the stage. I guess I have to make alternative plans to spend my Christmas Eve and New Year eve alone.
To all my 'friends' out there, enjoy your festive seasons with your friends. When will people treasure me like treasure them? Or have I not treasure them enough for them to treasure me as friends.
::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
::: Im old :::
wahz....long and tiring day......Mon, finally a bit of life returned to hall. Feel the presence of more living souls....hahah but now im the living dead....lol
woke up super early tis morning at abt 8 plus which is so not mi........wanted to go support bro for his gold-star survival test at Queenstown Swimming Complex. But before i even reach Boon Lay MRT, mummy called to say no need go liaoz cos he fail is 100m timing liaoz...
haix wasted trip....wasted sleep.... well, can't blamm larz...he's oni Pri 4...can reach tis standard not bad liaoz...
so i wasted some fare( adult fare is seriously not cheap ok!) decided to walk arnd JurongPoint although not mani shops were opened yet, Heeez~ saw tis Puma sneakers which is pink and purple, quite nice~!*haRk*hArk* (Santa Hint hint) Oh well, so aimless, can't even eat breakfast since i alreadi ate before i left hall....
Went for swimming training (on my own at Queenstown, how dumb), tried to accomplish to Nick's standard, but oni manage to complete 40 laps of freestyle and 60 laps of breaststroke. Followed by a few laps of sprinting....No joke kaez...Im old liaoz....almost died...the sprinting felt more like letting the water drift mi along.... The team ended never train in sch 2dae cos the pool was closed. wth! wasted training!
Back to hall took a short rest(and realli short)....Went wif Fred to go support our Hall VBall match against Hall8. Hehe~ We Won! Well done Hall 12!!! 5pm, went straight to games room to train Carrom. Haha~ i noe nuts abt it larz...can't shoot properly for nuts. Luckily got tis guy teach mi(Still dunno his name)....haha after a bit bit of training...not too bad ...finally can shoot some in liaoz...haha...Stupid Greg and Edwin laugh at mi say i cannot play darts cos im too short~ ARGH!
6pm, supposed to go for basketball training but i decided not too~ blarz~
7pm, came back changed into shoes and head down to NIE straight for netball training. No lights at first, so being the night-blindness rat, I can't realli figure out where the ball is. Was brutally abused by the mosquitoes there...wads new......wahz....realli old liaoz....i feel so slow and not active....im juz so lazy to run and jump, feel veri 笨重 suddenly...haix......put mi as reserve baz~
12am - Softball briefing, to learn how to play....interesting game, quite look forward to really trying it out during training 2mr =)
D&D doing singpost canvassing. Stupid Weiming ask mi wait for them to play Mahjong at 3am. Bloody hell, come back play on their own. Could have gone to sleep early manz......
2mr Softball training at 10am, followed by swimming wif Ailing and Cyndi, then Bball friendly wif Hall 9 followed by scrabble training, then head to Esplanade to meet William, Kelvin and Thomas theyall for dinner, muahaha~ Dunno whether to go for cheerleading training notz....
Wed Bball Match followed by Softball match against Hall 14,Welfare Duty also, followed by Carrom Training followed by meeting the council people for dinner then to Zouk....wahahaha~ So Exciting!!!
I hope I'll still be alive. Just in case im too tired to blog animore, the above are my itenary for the next two days. Bet im missing lots of other stuff that I can't remember at the moment......
::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
--- Recalling the past 1---
--- Recalling the past 1---
Ok...i dunno where to start blogging from again since i've stopped for so long...so mani things to write but so difficult to get them out....mayb im not so much of a expressive person after all....
ok flash back bit by bit....
Saturday/Friday (8th/ 9th Dec):
Spent most of the time at home wif my family...Trust mi, U'll realise how great it is after not being home for almost 2 months. Even if we did nothing particular together, being at home knowing wad daddy mummy ,bro and sis is doing is good enough. Being able to haf a simple meal together is so much of a blessing....Oh yar...i watched lots of shows too.....those tat I pirated from fredo during exam times and thoe VCDs tat i rented...
Oh yar...caught up on my sleep as well, more or less recovered from my exhaustion from exams and camp...so the rest of my effectiveness for this short hols shall b dependent on whether im lazi or not or whether my heart feels like doing it or not...
Oh yar...sorrie to those who tried to 'date' mi out this two days...I realli juz want to put family as piority...soon again ok~ next time~ i'll join u guys in all the fun again` ;)
Sunday- Thursday (3rd to 7th Dec)
Went for YVIP 06 as helper....my 6th yr in consecutive in this camp, but first time in a not so stressful role. I should say I seriously never tot i will come back to this camp again ever since after I end off YV05 which i screwed up totally. Somehow I tot I've put a fullstop to something which i always tot will b a passion for life. I wanted to totally disappear from SVC and take a good rest from all that had happened. If not bcos of Vick who ask mi come back and help and the little bit of twitch in mi to 'feel' in volunteering again...i seriously think i'll realli end my journey here....
I should say this year, as a helper, i dun feel as much impact that I have on people or wad the camp have on mi....but I wunt deny i see and learnt a lot and at the same time feel in a veri diff way...
As a helper, I seriously manage to step back and look at things differently. I see how the commitee supported each other through the camp, I see how Vick handles stuff and motivates everyone tru everything. I see how things can b tackled in diff ways...*Salute to Vick*
Also, another thing that made mi feel a lot abt was when i see everyone growing up. Somehow, I feel so happy and acheived when u see volunteers growing up. Im so glad to see everyone back. Daniel, used to think like he's so playful and stuff, but now look, he now handle the programme so well..... Tok to him and realise that he' no longer the little boy plays around but somewan which deep tots, somehow the topics that we tok abt now are so different. Well done Daniel! Jiayun and Siru! the small little girls...always so cute....I still can't help it but feel like they are the little girls i met two years ago......but now look at how they handle things ...They've grown up. Kok Wei and Meng Shyuan and Wayne, Hahah oni manage to know them like in last yr when we train Bishan Home for Captain's ball, then still felt like they are these grp of young boys who come and go for volunteering as and when they like. But now...they are totally diff.....all grown up and handle things so well...Haha...To the rest of the commitee and TFs as well~ Well done. ( I feel like im some old granny whos looking at things as a soul...haha)
Another thing not to forget was campfire nite, when all the 'old birds' come back. I can't help but to feel touched...looking at all the different batches whom i used to work wif, batches by batches grauate, go into army, come out, step into their diff phrases of life....I can't help to cry at how many lifes i've touched in the past few YVs and how mani friends I've made to let everyone rememebr every year about how YVIP once left a footprint in their lifes.
Somehow it rekindles my volunteering spirit again~ Like how can i let obstabcles question my passion for volunteering, how can i let ppl who are not genuine about volunteering to come into my life and shake my beliefs. I wish i can restart off my journey again~ This time i wan to take a different approach. A slower and more humble approach. ( Not oni for volunteering , but for my life in general).
Somewan used to say that volunteering is a marathon, now im at a veri tiring part of the journey, I hope i wunt give up. Hope to see smiles on faces that touch my heart again~
Same to the rest of my life, its time to stop and smell the flowers. To those who had stepped into my life and walked out of me again, Im gonna forget him to move on again~ Im gonna b as strong as ever....no matter how short my life will b.......
::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Sunday, December 10, 2006
